Our cross country motorcycle trip from California to Tennessee

A page from my motorcycle diary November 2007: The last day of our ride from California to Tennessee

The last couple days of our ride home were typical days for us. We hadn't had the first hiccup and honestly, it felt kind of weird. I'm just so used to having to work some or fix something or endure something to get to the fun stuff. We left San Francisco on Tuesday morning though not real early. We wanted to take our time this whole trip and that's what we did. The ride down Interstate 5 was beautiful and the weather was chilly but not too cold. We made it to Barstow almost out of California the first night and felt accomplished and felt sure we were gonna be able to make this ride in about 3 days…boy, we had another thing coming. On the map, it sure don't look too far…in the saddle driving down the road on a motorcycle , it looks like forever!!

We made good time all things considered. We're not morning people so we'd get up when we were ready and stop when it got around 8 or so. Yall probably don't realize it but Aunt Dee rode this whole trip on her BMW F650 and I was on my Suzuki VStrom 1000. That 350cc difference makes a BIG difference. I traded my 650 to the 1000 just because of that fact. When you are traveling interstate speed motorcycles without big cc's tend to buzz, buzz, buzz, you to death. That means that whoever is sitting on "buzz" probably get's numb hands, legs, feet, and butt which is no fun. Aunt Dee got all of the above. She lost an antenna and would have lost a mirror if she hadn't caught it the split second it blew off while she was blowing down the interstate. Even so, she never complained and rode through it all. I honestly don't know if I could have done it, at least at my age ;) My old bones and muscles ain't what they used to be.

I can tell I'm getting old as I'm trying to remember what nights we stayed where but I can't recall exactly. I know we stayed in Santa Rosa, New Mexico one night and somewhere in AZ one night, and oh yeah, Gallup, NM one night…how could I forget New Mexico. That's where we had bad battery trouble and Aunt Dee mechanic extrordinaire tore her bike down right in the hotel parking lot and got it fixed right up. Let's start here as that's where the fun started.

When we left Gallop, NM that afternoon, it was cold…about 35 degrees to be exact. Aunt Dee got her bike back together and we were raring to go. To ride a motorcycle in this you have to really be bundled up. Bundled up meaning, you have own as many layers as you can possibly get and still be able to button up the last layer of whatever pants and whatever coat you have on. You know you are truly bundled up when you have to walk like Frankenstein and it takes great effort to hoist your leg over your motorcycle saddle. I had on 6 layers of pants and jackets though Aunt Dee, the hot blooded woman she is only had on 4. For whatever reason, Aunt Dee's electrics weren't working properly and only her jacket would heat up, her socks and gloves were caput. I think it was that we upped the fuse to a 25 amp or because we had let her battery go down and it never fully recovered. Either way, her feet and hands were cold. If the sun was out it was bearable for Aunt Dee but when the sun went down, boy it was terribly cold and unbearable. Who knew the sun provided so much heat! So when the sun set, we were coming off the road to ensure Aunt Dee didn't get frostbite. A couple of times she got worried that when she took her boots off that her toes would be black with frostbite. Yall know when Aunt Dee says she's cold, that means she is freezing to death cause that girl don't ever get cold… We did a couple of days like this and did no more than 300 miles a day. It seemed it may take us a lot longer to get home than we anticipated but the company was good and we had no schedule to adhere to.

Friday, we were making great time and really had our hearts set on making it to Memphis, Little Rock for sure but our hearts set on Memphis. A winter storm was sweeping across the US from west to east and we were eager not to be caught in it. We were making really good progress and stopped just outside Fort Smith to eat dinner. We saw signs for an authentic Mexican place and decided on it. Yall, just to stop at a store or to get gas was a major undertaking for me. I had on so many layers of pants that my crotch was down between my knees and to lift my leg up high enough to get over my seat was a daunting task. It took me three or four "runs" at it before I could even get my leg on my seat. Aunt Dee laughed her head off at me because literally, in order to get my leg over the seat, I had to "grab" my crotch and pull it up as far as I could and use both my hands to put my leg on the seat. It was funny but necessary. By the time I got on the bike, I was sweating from all the energy it took. I love riding but riding in the cold sure makes it a little like work.

Anyway, we stopped at the Mexican place to eat and we had to take off tons of clothes and laid them on our bikes while we went in to eat. I wish yall could have seen my hair. I was wearing one of those polar masks that go over your head and everytime I took it off my hair was in a new crazy do. Once I looked like Don King, once like Donald Trump complete with comb over, and once I swear I favored Lyle Lovett…I was embarrassed to go in anywhere but kept telling myself that no one knew me except Aunt Dee and honestly, I hated looking like this in front of Aunt Dee. . Between me pulling at my crotch, my crazy hair do's, and my overstuffed bear looking self, I looked a sight.

We enjoyed an authentic Mexican dinner though mine wasn't all that good. It was warm, which was the most important thing. We finished eating and headed out to gear up and head back down the road. When we got outside, it had gotten dark with night and we discovered it was raining, a light rain but raining. Our clothes had gotten a little wet as we left them out but not so bad that we couldn't wear them. We hurried them on and got going down the road. I'd like to note here that if you are on a motorcycle ride, bundled up to the max, and want to travel some more miles down the road, DO NOT EAT AN AUTHENTIC FRIED MEXICAN POBLANO PEPPER. I know this because about 20 miles down the road my stomach made one of those gurgling drainage type sounds. You know the one, it kind of starts up high like your body just released some kind of powerful gas around your chest and it kind of startles you as it makes such a noise and feels strange. If you think it makes such a big noise just normally, you should put in a pair of ear plugs and listen to it! It sounds like gut growl hooked up to an amplifier. When I had my first growl, I thought, well, something didn't agree. Several growls and gurgles later, they were making a trail south and in my mind I knew they were marching directly and with speed toward the exit! It was then I knew I needed to communicate to Aunt Dee (and quickly) to find the first exit as a bathroom visit was needed pronto!

We enjoyed our cycle CB's so we could talk but they do not work at full speed, at least Aunt Dee's doesn't. She can't hear me but I can hear her so I couldn't tell her what was going on. I saw an exit city coming up and began to flash her with my brights and turned on my turn signals but she never saw me so after two exits of her not seeing me, I took off in front of her hoping that I could make the last exit in time…I knew she would follow me on in. As it turns out, the last exit was some kind of Indian reservation turn pike that charged money to travel it. I would have gladly paid any amount at that point to get to the bathroom but I looked around and there were no lights and no stores so that was out. I would have to make it to the next city exits.

I stayed on in front of Aunt Dee and I was on the gas and hauling butt down the road. Aunt Dee said later that she looked down at her speedometer and she was going almost 100 mph to keep up with me. I don't know how fast I was going as I couldn't think about anything but finding a bathroom and finding it fast. It turns out that last exit that we missed, was the last exit for miles. I saw a sign that said "Choctawa 23 miles" and set my mind and my body on reaching it. It was the longest ride I think I've ever made in my life and honestly, I didn't think I was going to make it. Aunt Dee still didn't know what was wrong with me but was hanging in there behind me. My lower intestines continued to growl and grumble and I was cramping like crazy and that familiar cold sweat began to break out all over me…

As I rode, I looked at the road side and considered just pulling off there but I just couldn't. It was dark, completely dark and scary looking and besides, squatting would not be an option because I couldn't get my pants down far enough to even squat! All pulled down, my pants would be around my knees and a squat wouldn't be physically possible for me and even if I could how would I wipe even if I had toilet paper …I was so bundled up I couldn't scratch my butt much less wipe it, at least that was what I was reasoning. And I wasn't going to take all my stuff off out in the middle of nowhere not that I'd even have time to get them off the way my body was feeling. No, I would have to live with "an accident" before I could pull off and do that.
How humiliating. I was thinking of how mortifying that would be to have "an accident". What would Aunt Dee think? How many layers of my clothes would be ruined? I'd have to throw them away because I sure wasn't going to wash them and pretty sure Aunt Dee would feel the same way. If I did have an accident, how was it going to feel? How would I get off my bike without it going everywhere? Would I be electrocuted as the wetness hit my electric pants? (I quickly turned them off just in case) I would have to tell Aunt Dee to stand back and not come near me cause I'd probably stink to high heaven. At that thought, I clinched tighter to my seat. I made up my mind right then and there that I wasn't going to have an accident. I had to gain control. I pressed my tail tighter to the seat and dared it to let loose!

Meanwhile, I'm frantically counting down the miles to Choctawa, 20, 18, 17, 16, and then a sign that said 14 miles. I did a gut check: "gut, can you make it 14 miles?" to which it growled, "are you kidding me? I'm about to explode here! Do something!!". So, I do what I always do when I am in trouble. I do the last thing I always do after exhausting all my human resources, I prayed. "Dear God, I hate to come to you with this but I'm fixing to krap all over myself while going 100 miles an hour on my motorcycle down an interstate" "I know there are greater problems in the world like world hunger and people much worse off than me like the poor, but God I don't think this will take much time and I know you can help me with my plight" I prayed and prayed. I'm sure He heard me but still, the gut march was on and moving ever closer to it's destination. I then had a thought , maybe if I could get a little "poot" out it would provide some relief, maybe it's just gas. So, I unclenched just a bit and strained just a little to see what I could muster up but I quickly realized it wasn't just air that was wanting out and I immediately put my body back in lock down. I was cramping something terrible and knew that I wasn't going to be able to hold it much longer. I was in tears thinking of what was about to happen. Here I was out in the middle of nowhere on Interstate 40, it was dark and cold and desolate, and I was about to mess all over myself on my motorcycle... This wasn't the grand ride across the US that I had envisioned! Through my tears I muttered, "why me, Lord?" and at that moment I rounded a curve and out in the middle of nowhere and I really mean nowhere was a billboard all lighted up with huge stadium lights with a picture of Jesus with His arms stretched wide open that read, "FEAR NOT, FOR I AM WITH YOU" I couldn't believe it. I had just asked God to help me and here God was talking to me and telling me, it was going to be alright! He knew I was fearing the worst and He was giving me a sign (literally) that everything was going to be alright. I was overjoyed and relieved. I did a gut check and did feel somewhat better…the march was still on but it seemed somewhat more manageable. I knew then I was going to make it….

The first exit with a gas station came up and I took it in a flash. As we pulled in though, we realized it was closed. Aunt Dee pulled up and said, "what the heck is going on"? I told her in as few a words as possible and she sensed my urgency and we jumped right back on the interstate. I drove like a maniac but finally came up to the Choctawa exit. We pulled straight in to a gas station that had a hotel right beside it. Aunt Dee wanted us to get a room so I could have some privacy but honestly, I didn't think I was going to make it through check in so I ran like the wind into the store bathroom. I was hoping for a clean one seater but got a clean 5 seater. I have a terrible case of bathroom performance anxiety and can't even pee with someone in the bathroom with me but at this point, whoever was in there was in for one of the most noisey, probably stinky bathroom experiences of their lives.

I ran into the first stall and realized with thankfulness that I was alone. I locked the stall door and turned around to get my pants down. I had a pair of rain pants on the outer most layer of my clothes so I went to pulling them down and as I bent down to get them around my ankles my body said, "YES" but I had to tell it "NO, not yet!" See, my body was used to me going to the bathroom, turning around, and pulling my pants down and then letting loose. My body didn't realize I had layers of pants on and it had to wait till I got them all down. Next I pulled my overpants down and as I bent down my body yelled, "Yes" and I yelled "NO", my jeans went down next and my body yelled "Yes" to which I said, "NO", next came my insulated underwear pants to which my body yelled, "YES" and I yelled "NO", then came my under armor pants and again my body screamed, "YES" and I yelled "NO. Finally I got to my underwear and my body yelled "YES!" and I said , "YES, YES, YES!!!!" Lord knows that I thought I'd never get all those pants down in time but somehow I managed….

As I was sitting there enjoying great relief and release, I thought about how I had made it, I thought about what I had been through to get there, I thought about how God had literally sent me a sign that had said, "Fear not, for I am with you" and sure enough He was with me. Then I got to thinking, I wonder if He's with me now? Oh my goodness, I hope not. I hope He decided to wait outside. Surely He wouldn't want to be with me here in all this mess. As I was thinking about all this, I reached for the toilet paper and on that note realized there was no toilet paper. I changed my mind about wishing God was with me right then cause I could ask Him to get me some if He was here. As it was, I was alone.

I thought about Aunt Dee. I would hate her to come in to all of the mess and all but I needed some toilet paper so I got out my cell phone and called her. She didn't answer, she had decided to go ahead and check us in the hotel by the store…I figured it was a good thing because I really didn't want her in there anyway…So, I did what many of us have done from time to time in our lives (yall have right?), I shook off as much as I could, I listened to see if anyone was in the bathroom or if there may be people coming in, and then made my move to the next stall. With six layers of pants in tow, I quickly waddled over to the next stall in hopes of finding some there and getting back to my stall. "Please, God, let there be toilet paper in here" but there wasn't, so I waddled stall to stall till I found some. Lucky for me, no one walked in but if they had it sure would have been quite the sight. Here I was with layers of clothes laying around my ankles, naked from the waist down, layers of coats on my top, and a hair do like Don King waddling around with toilet paper in my hand. I can't even imagine what would have happened should someone have walked in...so thankful that I am not writing about how it did happen.

Well, I went back and made sure that I was done and geared back up. It takes 15 minutes just to put your pants on when dressed like this…I didn't care though, I was so thankful to feel better and so relieved the situation turned out okay that nothing could bother me….

Aunt Dee had us a room ready and we went in for the night. I was feeling alot better but wore out and we both feel quickly to sleep. We didn't sleep long and got up early and hit the road. It was a good thing because we were able to get home at a reasonable time. We were so glad to be home…we had the best motorcycle trip but there is no place like home.